He Forgot The Hands That Held Him — Until He Fell Again

By Angela Chukwuelue

You know that couple at the restaurant? The ones laughing so hard the waiter pauses to watch? That’s not luck. That’s work, the kind most relationships never survive.

Modern love is a paradox: we’ve never had more ways to connect, yet loneliness is epidemic. Dating apps promise endless choice but deliver disposable intimacy. Romance novels sell fantasies of effortless passion, while real couples drown in silent car rides and resentful grocery runs.

But here’s the truth: healthy relationships do exist. They just don’t look like Instagram reels. They look like two people choosing each other daily, through traffic jams, stomach flu, and the terrifying mundanity of aging together.

Here’s how to spot one (or build one).

1. You Can Be Bored Together

The hallmark of a dying relationship isn’t fighting, it’s performance. Forced date nights. Exhausting attempts to "keep the spark alive." Real intimacy thrives in quiet.

• Healthy: Sitting on the couch, half-reading separate books, occasionally tossing a grape into each other’s mouths.
• Toxic: Panic-booking a hot air balloon ride because you can’t stand the silence between you.

Test it: Try assembling IKEA furniture together without speaking. If you emerge still liking each other? That’s love.

2. Fights Have Rules

Every couple argues. The difference? Healthy ones fight like teammates solving a problem, not gladiators battling to the death.

• Healthy: "I felt hurt when you canceled our plans. Can we talk about why?"
• Toxic: "You always do this! Just like your mother!"

Key signs:

• No name-calling (ever)
• Timeouts allowed (no chasing someone into the bathroom)
• No "scorekeeping" (dragging up 2017’s Thanksgiving disaster)

A therapist once told me: "The goal isn’t to avoid conflict, it’s to make conflict safe."

3. You’re Each Other’s Emergency Contact

Literally and metaphorically. Healthy partners are the first call when:

• Your car breaks down at midnight
• You get a scary medical test result
• You just need someone to say, "That coworker is indeed a demon"

But here’s the nuance: dependency isn’t the same as reliability.

• Healthy: "I’ll pick up the kids so you can nap, you sound exhausted."
• Codependent: "I skipped my sister’s wedding because you might feel sad alone."

Rule of thumb: If your partner’s absence feels like an amputation, that’s not love, that’s fear wearing a mask.

4. You’ve Seen Each Other’s "Unmarketable" Selves

Social media relationships are highlight reels. Real ones include:

• Food poisoning at 3 AM
• Ugly-crying over a canceled flight
• That weird mole you’re too embarrassed to show your doctor

A friend’s grandmother put it best: "Love isn’t choosing someone at their best. It’s recognizing them at their worst and thinking, ‘Still you.’"

Try this: Next time you’re sick, let them see you unedited—snot, ratty pajamas, and all. If they bring soup and don’t recoil? Keep them.

5. Your Friends Don’t Pity You

Ever noticed how toxic relationships turn allies into hostages? Friends bite their tongues as you:

• Rationalize his temper ("He’s just stressed!")
• Defend her jealousy ("She just loves me too much!")

Healthy love doesn’t demand loyalty tests. Your people should:

• Tease you about your partner’s quirks (not warn you about them)
• Feel comfortable borrowing their phone to text (no password policing)

Red flag: If your best friend sighs every time you mention your partner, listen. Outsiders spot dysfunction first.

6. You’ve Discussed the "Unsexy" Future

Romance dies on the altar of unspoken expectations.

• Healthy couples argue about:
• How to split chores if someone gets chronically ill
• Whether to pull the plug on a parent’s life support
• Who gets the dog if you break up
• Dysfunctional couples avoid these talks because "We don’t want to jinx it!"

Hard truth: Love isn’t ruined by practicality, it’s ruined by refusing to plan.

7. You Feel More Like Yourself With Them

The most toxic myth? That love means merging into one entity. Healthy relationships expand you:

• They remember your weird obsessions (even if they don’t share them)
• They give space for your solo hobbies (yoga retreats, Warhammer tournaments)
• They don’t police your other relationships (friends, family, exes you’re civil with)

Contrast this with relationships that:

• Isolate you ("Why do you need friends when you have me?")
• Erase your quirks ("Can’t you act normal around my parents?")

Litmus test: Do they make your world bigger, or shrink it to just their needs?

The Real Test (From a Divorce Lawyer’s Mouth)

I once asked a family attorney: "What’s the #1 predictor of divorce?"

She didn’t say infidelity or money fights. She said: "Contempt. The moment one partner starts sneering, rolling eyes, mocking, dismissing, it’s over."

Healthy love isn’t about never hurting each other. It’s about never making the other person feel small.

So ask yourself:
Does this person make me feel like more, or like I’m constantly auditioning to be enough?

The answer will tell you everything.